This Loneliness I Never Wanted
by Lia-Osaka92
Summary: When Kuroo graduated, Kenma thought he would finally get some peace and quiet. He just never thought he would lose his best friend in the process. Eventually KuroKen
1. This Loneliness I never Wanted

When Kuroo graduated, Kenma was relieved. A part of him was happy that his friend had managed to get into the university he wanted, but he was most looking forward to a full year of peace and quiet. And not faux peace and quiet like the third year of middle school. Back then they'd lived in the same neighborhood, so he still saw Kuroo every day. But now Kuroo was moving to the university dorms, and with the load of work he'd get, he wouldn't have any time to come and be noisy and invade his personal space.

It's not that he didn't like Kuroo. He was his best friend and they'd been together for a really long time. Twelve years, to be precise. Kuroo had invited him to play volleyball and helped him blend in with the team. Kuroo protected him from bullies and entitled senpais. One time, when they were little, the kids in their neighborhood had invited Kuroo to play with them, and he'd invited Kenma. The other kids had said that Kuroo could come, but Kenma couldn't. Kuroo had stayed with him instead and those kids never talked to either of them again. Kuroo was funny, smart and loyal, kind, caring and patient. It was no coincidence he had been made captain. In spite of his unpleasant, scheming personality, everyone trusted him to lead them to victory. In short, Kenma, much like everyone else, liked Kuroo and considered him an important friend.

But Kenma also liked having his personal space. He liked silence and being left alone, two concepts Kuroo was completely unfamiliar with. And being in the same school and the same team and living in the same neighbourhood meant Kuroo was _always_ around, thus silence and personal space had become impossible to acquire. With Kuroo graduating, Kenma was certain that they would be able to maintain their friendship whilst having more peace and quiet in his life. Everything would be balanced and fine.

* * *

One month into his last year of high school, Kenma realized he had been disingenuous to believe that something as petty as college would keep Kuroo at a healthier distance. Their former captain would pop up during practice four times a week and prance around the gym, occasionally assisting in practicing. He spent a significant amount of that time asking Kenma for a toss too.

"It would be a lot more practical if I practiced tosses with people who will actually be in the team." He always responded curtly. He refused to add that Kuroo always hit his tosses perfectly anyway, so there was no need to practice them.

"So cold, Kenmaaaa." Kuroo would wail dramatically, slinging an arm around Kenma's back and resting his chin on his shoulder, a significant portion of his body weight leaning on Kenma's.

"Kuro, you're heavy." He would complain half-heartedly, and end up complying to his request.

Kuroo would also walk him home afterwards, bemoaning his heavy workload.

"You shouldn't be wasting time then." Kenma had said once.

"Ehhhh but Kenma would be lonely without me." Kuroo replied with a cheeky grin.

When Kuroo couldn't make it to practice, he'd drown Kenma's inbox with millions upon millions of text messages, of which Kenma only read about half. Kuroo would also call every night to ask about practice and Kenma's grades and talk about his classes, his teachers, his new volleyball team, his dorm room and everything related to his college life. And Kenma always fell asleep mid-call, even though in his dreams, he could still hear Kuroo's endless chattering.

Every Sunday, Kuroo would drop by in the mornings and spend hours at Kenma's place, watching him playing videogames. At night he'd go over to his parents' home and have dinner with them, then make one last quick stop to say goodbye to Kenma before going back to his dorm.

All in all, he was still seeing Kuroo pretty much every day of the week.

* * *

For the second month of Kenma's last year of high school, all the college work seemed to be catching up with Kuroo at last. Instead of four or five times, he only visited practice twice a week and most times, he didn't stay for long. Sometimes he only arrived after practice was over and walked Kenma home, bemoaning how busy he was and how demanding his assignments were.

"Why did I choose engineering? I should've gone for a social science instead."

"Social sciences are difficult and demanding too." Kenma replied, his eyes glued to his gaming console. "As are arts and humanities." He added before Kuroo could even think of it.

Kuroo moaned.

The amount of calls and texts was significantly lessened. The messages were still too many to read them all, but Kenma could tell there weren't as many as before, and most were a lot shorter than usual. Their nightly calls became shorter too, and Kuroo would not talk as much as usual, saying he was actually in the middle of doing an assignment, but he still wanted to hear Kenma's voice. Sometimes, it was Kuroo falling asleep in the midst of their call. Kenma didn't know how to feel about that.

He still visited his family every Sunday, but he didn't spend as much time at Kenma's place, barely an hour or two, and instead of chattering, he sat quietly in the back, revising his notes or working on something school-related.

Kenma thought he was getting the ideal amount of Kuroo with this schedule. Not too much to be overbearing, but not too little to feel they were getting estranged. In spite of rationalizing that, there was something about Kuroo's silent presence that bothered him, but he couldn't really place his finger on it.

* * *

In June, with the Inter-High preliminaries approaching, and Kuroo's team getting ready for the summer tournament too, his visits became even less frequent. He would come once a week to greet everyone and watch them do some drills for maybe half an hour before the end of practice, then walk Kenma home and rush back to his dorms. He didn't talk much during their walk home either. He looked tired.

"Don't overwork yourself." Kenma said once, briefly glancing at the dark circles under Kuroo's eyes.

Kuroo grinned. "I'm taking care of myself properly. I wouldn't want to worry Kenma." He said with a wink. Kenma didn't reply.

His texts messages decreased even further, to around three of them a day. At least one of them was "sorry, I won't be able to drop by at practice today."

"You don't _have_ to come to check on us, you know that, right?" Kenma commented.

"But I want to! I gotta make sure you guys are in good shape for the In-High!" Kuroo whined in reply. "'Sides, I can't really leave Kenma alone, can I?"

Kenma felt a bizarre heat bloom on his face, and didn't reply, instead focusing on his game.

Kuroo also stopped calling every night. He still did it around three times a week, but the calls were quick and succinct. When he didn't call, Kenma would receive a text the following morning, usually on the vein of "Sorry for not calling, fell asleep on my textbook."

"If you're so busy you shouldn't call." Kenma said over the phone while lying down on his bed. "You should try to sleep more instead."

Kuroo chuckled. "I know but… I really wanted to hear Kenma's voice."

Kenma didn't know how to answer that.

* * *

"Your exams are coming up, shouldn't you stop wasting time here?" Kenma asked at the start of July as they walked back home.

"I don't want to be completely consumed by school!" Kuroo whined in protest. "I did realize it was impossible to come every day, but I made a promise with myself about walking Kenma home at least once a week!" he declared with a grin and a peace sign.

Kenma didn't say anything.

Kuroo's promise lasted all the way to the second week of July. On Friday, he sent Kenma a message that said "Sorry, I thought I had the afternoon off today but coach wanted last minute practice."

His texts became even more scarce. He barely sent one a day, and sometimes not even that much. Kenma was slightly unsettled by how quiet his phone was. He received a call on Friday night, in which Kuroo apologized again for not showing up.

" _I have an assignment due tomorrow, sorry I can't talk for long_." He excused himself, his voice sounded tired.

"It's alright, I've been telling you all along to focus on your school and stop fooling around." Kenma replied, twirling a golden lock of hair in his finger. It had grown a little too long. He'd have to cut it soon. And dye it too.

" _So cold, Kenma_." He chuckled, but it didn't sound like his regular careless laughter in Kenma's ear. It was actually… kind of fake. " _Sleep well_."

"You too."

That Sunday, Kuroo didn't show up in the afternoon to watch him play. It was the first time it happened since he started college. At night, around nine o'clock, Kenma's phone rang and Kuroo's name lit the screen.

" _Open the window?_ " Kuroo's low voice asked the moment he picked up. Kenma didn't need to be told twice. He dropped his console and went to open his bedroom window, finding Kuroo perched on the balcony.

"You know there's a front door." Kenma said, moving out of the way so Kuroo could come in.

Kuroo shook his head. "I didn't want to disturb your folks. 'Sides, I'm not staying long. Just wanted to say hi."

"Hi." Kenma replied quietly

There was a momentary twinkle of sadness in Kuroo's golden eyes, but Kenma wasn't sure if he was just imagining that.

"How's everyone doing?"

"Same as always. We have a practice match with Fukurodani next week."

"Aaaaah, that's good, that's good! Keeping our relationships with other schools is important after all."

Kenma nodded.

"Look, these months have been a little hectic but… as soon as I get more used to my schedule, I'll be coming around more often, so don't go feeling lonely without me, 'kay?"

Kenma looked up. He wanted to say he wasn't feeling lonely, but he couldn't say it for some reason. A comfortable silence followed. Except that silence and Kuroo were two things that didn't really mesh well together, Kenma realized. Even if there was no tension in the air, there was a strange, awkward quality to their silence. Kenma felt like he wanted to say something, but he didn't know what it was. It was Kuroo's job to do most of the talking, and figuring out what Kenma wanted to say. That he was so quiet was unusual and unsettling.

"Gotta run back to the dorms, they've got this really strict curfew, it's ridiculous. See you around." Kuroo declared finally.

"Good night, Kuro." Kenma replied softly, watching as his friend climbed down from the balcony via the tall tree next to his window. Kuroo waved goodbye as he reached the ground and continued waving until he turned around the corner, away from Kenma's sight.

* * *

Kuroo didn't show up at all during the third week of July. He sent Kenma a message saying he'd have a rough week and wouldn't be able to see him. He didn't even visit his parents on Sunday.

"You should leave Kozume-kun alone, he's in a bad mood." He heard someone whispering in his classroom, but he paid them no mind. He didn't feel like he was in a bad mood, he had no reason to be. And how would they know anyway?

* * *

The following Wednesday, he received a call from Kuroo. He hadn't been sending any texts for the past three days, and he would be lying if he said he wasn't at least a little worried.

" _Oi, Kenma! Seems I'll have Friday afternoon off so I'll pick you up after practice okay? I might be a little bit late, but wait for me!_ " he said cheerfully.

"Don't you have exams this week?" Kenma asked. It was as if Kuroo sounded more and more tired every time they spoke.

" _Just two of them, the bulk of my exams are next week_." Kuroo replied. " _Gotta go now, my Advanced Calculus class is about to start_."

"Okay. I'll see you on Friday"

The line shut dead. Kenma felt a little bit warm in his belly. He wondered if he'd eaten something gone bad.

* * *

"Is something good happening?" Lev asked him with a cheeky grin as they changed clothes after practice.

Kenma quirked a fine eyebrow, confused. "Not particularly, why do you ask?"

"You seem to be in a really good mood today, that's all." Inuoka said, and the rest of the team nodded in agreement. Kenma looked at his fingers. He didn't feel particularly happier than usual today, and nothing special was happening. Just Kuroo picking him up after practice, but that was a rather normal thing. Everyone seemed to be trying to read too hard into his moods lately, he decided.

* * *

He said goodbye to everyone and waited by the school gate, glancing around in case he caught sight of the familiar mop of unruly ebony hair. His phone showed it was 6:15. The sky was starting to turn a pinkish hue and he could hear the chatter of other clubs ending their activities and going home. A couple of students passed him by, walking with their bicycles. When they were in middle school, Kuroo would ride him back and forth to school on his bike. They stopped doing it in high school because their homes were at walking distance from Nekoma and Kenma found it embarrassing anyway.

At 6:20 he sent Kuroo a message. Maybe he didn't know practice was over and he was still making time before coming. He didn't receive any reply.

The pink of the sky was quickly turning to orange. Kenma had never liked how quickly day turned into night. The color of sunset made him feel melancholic for some unknown reason. He pulled out his console and started a new game, although he knew he probably wouldn't make it too far before Kuroo arrived.

At 6:45 he sent Kuroo another message. " _Are you still coming?_ ". Maybe he'd gotten caught up in traffic. He _had_ said he'd be a little bit late and Kenma didn't mind waiting. A grey stray cat walked past him. He paused his game and kneeled to pet its head for a minute. The cat meowed at him and continued on its way.

The sky was now blood red with streaks of purple and his phone showed 7:00. He dialed Kuroo's phone, but he didn't pick up. Perhaps something had happened? He worried a little. He thought that maybe he should walk home by himself, but knowing Kuroo, even if he was horribly late, he'd still show up. He'd promised to wait and Kuroo was a terrible worrywart some times. If he didn't find Kenma outside the school, he'd think he'd been kidnapped or something crazy like that.

Five minutes later, the school janitor came to chain the main gate and lock it. The man looked at him from head to toe, examining his uniform as if it were somehow suspicious. "Shouldn't you be home already?" he asked, focusing on his dyed hair. He was probably assuming he was a delinquent.

"I'm just waiting for someone. They'll be here soon."

The man harrumphed, not looking very convinced. "Just don't get in trouble." He said before walking away.

Kenma sighed. He was tired of standing up. He sat by the closed gate and hugged his knees to his chest. He thought of resuming his game, but he wasn't really in the mood for that, so he just sat in silence, his eyes fixed on his cellphone screen and how the minutes ticked away.

At 7:36 his phone rang and Kuroo's name appeared on screen. Kenma yelped and almost dropped the phone before picking it up.

"Kur-"

" _Kenma?! Kenma oh my god, where are you?! I'm so sorry! I-I fell asleep and- I pulled an all-nighter and thought I had time to take a nap but my alarm didn't go off. I'm so sorry Kenma, I'm on my way to Nekoma now, I won't take long._ "

Kenma's chest clenched painfully. Maybe he was catching a cold. "No need to, I'm already home." He lied as he picked himself up from the floor and started walking home. "You should go back and get some sleep, you obviously need it."

Kuroo sighed unhappily. " _I'm really sorry, Kenma, I'll make it up to you, I promise_."

"It's okay, it couldn't be helped." Kenma didn't want to say anything about Kuroo's previously broken promise to visit once a week. It wouldn't be fair to throw that in his face, he knew. "You should rest, you have a lot to study." He added. He was passing Kuroo's house now. He hadn't been over in a while, he realized.

" _Okay, yeah, I'll do that_." Kuroo said. " _I'm really, really sorry, Kenma._ " He repeated, clearly mortified.

"I understand, I'm not upset." Kenma said, and as the words left his mouth, he realized they were a lie. But he wasn't going to clarify that.

" _You don't really sound not-upset_ "

He could always count on Kuroo being able to read his moods perfectly, but this time it was annoying.

"You shouldn't use double negatives." He replied, avoiding the issue. "I have a lot of math homework for tomorrow." Another lie. He wasn't even in his house yet.

Kuroo sighed. " _Okay then. Don't go to sleep too late._ "

"I won't. Good night, Kuro."

" _Sweet dreams, Kenma_."

* * *

At three in the morning, Kenma's phone buzzed loudly, pulling him from his sleep with a jolt. He was about to shut it down when he saw Kuroo's number on the screen. Why would Kuroo call him at this hour? Had something happened? Kenma's gut wrenched with worry and he hurried to pick up.

"Kuro? Where are you?" he blabbered, uncharacteristic as it was for him to be the first to talk.

There was loud chattering and music in the background.

" _Keeenmaaaa?_ " Kuroo answered, his voice strange and slurred.

"Are you okay? What's going on?"

Kuroo hiccupped and giggled. "I jus' like the soun'ov Kenma's vooooice." His voice was definitely slurred, but not drowsy. " _I'm thinkin' I may hav' sum too much booze in mah blood too_."

Kenma made the connection immediately. The loud noise in the background, the voice, the alcohol, the hour of the call, all indicated Kuroo was out in a club or something. "Kuro, you're a minor and you have finals next week, you're not supposed to be drinking." He admonished. His gut continued to twist and make weird angry noises. Maybe eating that apple pie while being upset hadn't been a good idea after all.

"' _s ohhkaaay Kenma! Jus' a lil' fun b'fore exams!_ " He giggled again, and Kenma felt annoyance building up in his stomach. "' _sides, the guys said I wouldn' dare make a drunk confession call. 'course I'd to prove'em wrong!_ "

Kenma seriously couldn't care less about it. He noticed he was gripping his phone too hard. "I'm hanging up. If you have time to waste fooling around you should be getting some sleep instead." _So next time you don't fall asleep when you're supposed to meet me._ The thought crossed his mind and only served to fuel his annoyance and morph it into anger.

" _Noooo Kenmaaaa. Why're you always so cold? 'm jus' tryin' to tell you that I'm in love with you, be nicer with mah feelin's_ " Kuroo hiccupped again and Kenma could hear people cheering in the background. His nostrils flared.

"Good night, Kuro." He responded curtly and hung up. He shut his phone down too, in case Kuroo decided to try and call him again.

* * *

For the following three weeks, Kenma didn't hear a single word from Kuroo. At first he didn't think much of it. He was in finals week and probably had a lot of work to do, especially if he spent his Friday nights getting drunk with his new friends, whoever they were, instead of studying like he was supposed to. He had kind of expected an apology message at some point, but it never came. He figured Kuroo would come back home for the summer break and Obon and would apologize then.

But Obon came and went, and before Kenma knew it, it was already September without getting any signs of Kuroo. Even if he was still upset about Kuroo's reckless behavior, he was also mildly concerned by his prolonged silence. It just wasn't like him. One day he passed by Kuroo's house and saw his mother outside. She greeted him cheerfully.

"Oh, hi Ken-kun, how nice seeing you!"

"Good afternoon, Oba-san" he replied politely. He used to spend a lot of time at Kuroo's place when they were younger and had a good relationship with both of his parents. They always thanked him for setting their incorrigible son straight.

"Say, Ken-kun." She said just as he was about to continue on his way back home. "Have you heard from Tetsurou at all? He hasn't been around for almost a month and he barely calls anymore."

Kenma was surprised to hear that. Kuroo had an intimidating appearance, but deep down he was what one could call a 'momma's boy' who did everything to keep his mother happy. It was unusual that he would stop communicating like this.

"No, I'm sorry, I haven't heard from him in a while either." He admitted, growing a little bit worried. Wasn't he supposed to still be on break? Universities' semester started until October.

"Hmmm, I see. You boys used to be joined at the hip back in the day, I thought he'd stay in touch with you." She said, apparently concerned. "Well, I guess he's busy with his new life now. I'm sure Ken-kun will be the same when you fly out of the nest."

He nodded quietly, not really knowing how to answer to that and continued on his way back home. Before going around the corner, he picked up his phone and dialed Kuroo's number. He'd previously decided to wait for Kuroo to get in touch and apologize for that ridiculous call, but if even his mother was worried, maybe something had happened.

" _Hello?"_

"Kuro, are yo—"

" _Oh! K-k-kenma! I-I'm sorry I can't really talk right now."_ He sounded troubled, flustered.

" _Kuro-chan, hurry up!"_ a voice said from the background. Kenma shuddered at the nickname. It made him feel icky.

" _I'm really sorry Kenma, talk to you later, 'kay?"_ and he hung up before Kenma could even reply.

Kenma put his phone away. At least Kuroo hadn't 'promised', like he had before, to come visit once a week or to make it up to him for standing him up that time in July, two promises he hadn't been able to keep.

* * *

On the last week of September, they held a practice match with Fukurodani. Kenma still hadn't heard a word from Kuroo, except for those ten or so that he gave as an excuse three weeks ago before hanging up on him. He hadn't tried to call him again or text him either. It had always been Kuroo calling him, Kenma had never liked initiating any sort of communication, and he hadn't started liking it any better in the past half year.

After their practice match, which they lost, Keiji came to him.

"Kozume-san, is everything alright? You're not acting like your usual self."

Kenma's eyes widened at the question. Was he really acting out of the ordinary? He didn't feel like he was. The guys in the team hadn't mentioned anything either. He shook his head as an answer.

"Well, if you say so…" Keiji sighed, although he didn't look convinced. "Just make sure you guys are at the top of your game for Haru-Kou, we'd be disappointed otherwise."

"We will be." Kenma replied, annoyed by the challenge. "You won't be disappointed."

Keiji sighed and turned to pick up his belongings.

"Keiji." Kenma called impulsively. Keiji turned to look at him, curiosity lighting his dark green eyes. "Are you and…" He shook his head. What did he even want to ask? Was Keiji still in touch with Bokuto? They seemed to get along really well last year. Bokuto was always clinging to Keiji. When Kenma looked at them, it sort of reminded him of Kuroo. But Bokuto and Keiji weren't neighbours or childhood friends. And even if they still saw each other, that didn't really mean anything in terms of Kuroo's drifting away.

His mind froze around that last thought. It was the first time the thought crossed his mind, but when it did, his chest twisted very painfully. He'd probably over-exerted his lungs for that practice match.

Was Kuroo drifting away? Was their friendship going to slowly fade away just like this, after so many years? Just because he'd wanted some peace and quiet in his life didn't mean he wanted Kuroo to not be part of it at all. Maybe his new friends were more fun to hang out with. He sure sounded like he was having fun that time he called him at three in the morning. Maybe he'd gotten himself a girlfriend and was spending his summer break with her. That would explain why he didn't come to visit his parents at all. Maybe that time Kenma called and Kuroo hung up right away it was because he'd interrupted him when he was with his new friends or his girlfriend.

The pain in his chest intensified. He placed his hand on the left side of his chest and took a deep breathe, hoping it would go away if he filled his lungs with oxygen. He didn't need chest pain to top his worries about whatever it was that was increasing the distance between him and Kuroo. A single year had never seemed like a lot. It just meant Kuroo got to give him a tour of the school and show him the cool secret spots that no one else knew about, because he'd discovered them in that one year of difference. But now a single year felt like an insurmountable distance. A single year was pushing Kuroo further and further away from him, and he suddenly feared he would never be able to compensate for that gap that kept growing larger and larger.

"Kozume-san?" Keiji called to him, concern darkening his eyes and scrunching his brow. "Are you sure you're okay? You look like you're in pain."

Kenma shook his head. He was overthinking this. It was like Kuroo said before, his new schedule was weird and hectic. Once he got used to it, everything would go back to normal. He had no reason to be this upset about something so small.

"Keiji?" he asked again. "You and Bokuto used to get along a lot, right?"

Keiji may have looked a little bit embarrassed, but Kenma wasn't sure about that. Keiji was very hard to read. "Yeah, you could say that." He replied simply, scratching his pink cheek.

Bokuto was in the same program as Kuroo, surely he'd have the same messy schedule and was still trying to work around it.

"Are you two still in touch?" He just needed confirmation. Something to tell him his worries were unfounded.

Keiji cocked his head, apparently confused. "Yes, he comes by quite often. Especially now that he's in break. It's actually strange that he's not around today."

That was not the answer Kenma had expected. If Bokuto could somehow work around his schedule and still show up at Fukurodani's practice frequently, why was it different for Kuroo? He chewed on his lip briefly.

"Why?" Keiji asked.

Kenma shook his head again. "Nothing. It's nothing. Just curious".

* * *

As he walked back home, he browsed his call records on his phone. He had calls from almost everyone in the team, a few from his parents and a couple from Shouyou. He actually had to scroll down quite a bit before he found the last call he'd received from Kuroo, back in late July. He scrunched his brows and looked at today's date: September 27th. His birthday was a little under three weeks away. Kuroo would probably call him then. Kuroo had never missed a single one of Kenma's birthdays since they first met.

 _Unless he forgets about it_. A little voice whispered in his mind. Kenma shook his head. The thought was unpleasant, it made his stomach and chest hurt. His eyes stung a little. Maybe Akaashi's concern had not been misplaced. Perhaps he was coming down with a cold or something of the sorts.

He noticed how quiet the street was. Everyone had gone their own separate ways outside the train station. In the past, even if the street was deserted, he'd always have Kuroo's voice making noise constantly. But now it was different. A cold autumn breeze passed by and made him shiver. The cold and the quiet made this familiar street seem strange and unwelcoming. Not the street he'd lived in for the past twelve years. He wondered why it felt like that. He'd always liked silence, but now it was making him uneasy.

" _Kenma would be lonely without me."_

He remembered Kuroo saying that back in April. It was only five months ago, but it felt like a lifetime. Everything was so different now. But the mere thought of feeling lonely, him who had never even liked interacting with other people, was ridiculous beyond reason. He shook his head for the millionth time that day and fished for his keys inside his pocket.

There was no way he was lonely

* * *

On the day he turned 18, Kenma met Kuroo's mother as she passed by his house.

"Oh, Ken-kun, happy birthday!" she greeted with a smile

Kenma wasn't sure of why she knew today was his birthday, but he didn't ask. "Thanks Oba-san."

"Has Tetsurou called you yet?"

His nostrils flared. He didn't want to think about that, so he shook his head.

"Hmmm, how strange. He came home last week and I told him to give you a call…" she mused. "Maybe he's getting used to his new semester, I'm sure he'll call you when he's free." She waved goodbye "Have a wonderful day, Ken-kun!" she said as she walked away.

Kenma grabbed his phone and stared at it intently. Kuroo's semester had just started, his mother was probably right, he'd call when he was free. He _would_ call. He definitely would call.

* * *

Kenma had heard of the "phantom cellphone syndrome". People who forgot their cellphone at home and still felt it vibrate in their pockets. Kenma hadn't forgotten his cellphone, but he still could feel it vibrate every fifteen minutes or so, and every time, he would quickly fish it out of his pocket, only to find the screen blank. No new messages, no missed calls. It was driving him crazy.

"Are you expecting a call?" Lev asked while he took a break from practice, prying over his shoulder.

Kenma turned to look at him, his fine eyebrows slightly furrowed. "Not particularly." He lied.

"You've been staring at your phone for ages though."

He felt the phone vibrate and he jolted, his eyes darted towards the screen. Nothing.

"You're just imagining things." He said, not sure if he was talking to himself or to Lev. Probably both.

* * *

At 7:30 his phone buzzed for real. Kenma almost jumped out of his bed to pick it up and press it to his ear, not even checking the caller ID.

"Kur—"

" _Kenma! I heard today's your birthday! Congrats!"_

"Ah, thank you Shouyou."

His stomach twisted in pain. Maybe Mom overdid it with that giant apple pie she got him to celebrate.

" _Got any special plans?"_

He sighed. "No, not really. I had cake with my parents, that's all."

Normally, Kuroo would take him out to town to a new dessert shop and buy him a lot of apple pie and random weird trinkets. Last year, Kuroo had bought them matching cat cellphone straps.

" _My birthday's in one month, so it's perfect, right?_ " he'd asked, grinning.

He fingered the strap absentmindedly. After eating dessert, they'd usually go back to Kenma's home and play videogames for hours. Sometimes Kuroo would just let him sit between his legs and watch him play, his pointy chin resting on top of Kenma's hair. Kenma wasn't a big fan of so much physicality, but October was a cold month and the heater in his bedroom wasn't very good, so he didn't complain.

Not this year though. No midnight phone call, no exaggerated celebratory gestures, no apple pie and useless trinkets, no videogames, no Kuroo. It didn't even feel like it was really his birthday.

" _Huh, that sounds cool too. Hope you have a great year! Let's have fun tomorrow!"_

"Thank you, I'll look forward to it."

He hung up and sighed. Shouyou's enthusiasm made him feel a lot better, yet he couldn't completely fight off the disappointment that was curling in the pit of his stomach.

His phone buzzed again, but this time, it was text message from Inuoka, wishing him a happy birthday. In the following four hours his phone buzzed about a dozen more times with messages from Lev, Tora, and everyone in the team. He also got texts from Akaashi and guys from Shizen and Ubugawa and even Karasuno's Kageyama. He also got texts from Yaku and Kai who had already graduated. As the minutes ticked by, his inbox was flooded with congratulations and good wishes. He smiled a little every time he read one of them, but it was short-lived. The call he was actually waiting for still didn't come.

At 11:55 he was fighting to keep his eyes open. He wasn't sure of how long he'd been staring at his phone (probably since the last message he got, another one from Shouyou, at around 11:15). His eyes hurt from glaring at the bright screen for so long. But he couldn't sleep. Not yet. His birthday wasn't over, Kuroo could still call. He'd definitely call, he couldn't possibly forget. Even if it was just to wish him a happy birthday and then go back to sleep, or to work or to whatever party. Just a five-second call, that was all he was hoping for.

Tightly wrapped under his blankets, he stared at the numbers on the screen, watching every second tick by. He recalled what Kuroo's mother had said in the morning, that Kuroo had come by last week. Why didn't he drop in, at least to say hi like last time? Was Kuroo avoiding him? And why would he do that? He rubbed his eyes energetically, trying to blink the sleepiness away. The time was 11:58. Two minutes was plenty enough time to make a quick call. He wouldn't have minded if Kuroo would talk his ears off until three in the morning either. It'd been so long since they'd last had a proper conversation, after all. Probably since early July. Back then the weather was still warm, not cold like right now.

The clock changed to 11:59. His chest tightened painfully. This seemed to be happening a lot lately. Pain in his chest, his stomach curling and twisting, his eyes stinging, having problems to breathe properly. Maybe he should get himself checked, he could be catching some sort of lowkey flu that had long-lasting symptoms. Maybe he'd ask Kuroo when he called. Kuroo would probably get exaggeratedly worried and drag him all the way to the doctor. Soon. Kuroo would call soon. Because if he didn't his birthday would be over and then… Kenma didn't know what that would mean.

His phone buzzed and beeped. Kenma's fumbled to bring his eyes back to focus, already expecting to see Kuroo's name on the screen. He didn't, though. The screen lit up with the message "Reminder: Practice with Fukurodani group on Sunday." Why did he have a reminder set today? And at this time of the night to boot, it was ridiculous. He ignored it. Kuroo's call would come soon and he was too sleepy to bother with anything else. How many seconds of today were left anyway?

The screen showed 12:02.

Kenma's eyes widened. How had he lost three minutes? Had he fallen asleep? Kuroo may have called and he may have not noticed. His heart thumped loud and hard as he rushed to check his call records. No missed calls. The inbox then. No new messages.

He dropped his phone. His birthday was over and Kuroo hadn't called. He felt a chill climb up his spine. He was definitely getting sick. He pulled the covers closer and curled into himself, hoping to keep some warmth, but it didn't seem to be working. His eyes grew teary, probably from pointlessly staring at that damned screen for so long. He was going to go blind and it was all Kuroo's fault. He buried his head under the covers and sniffled, his chest hurt so much he wasn't sure he'd be able to fall asleep. He rubbed the tears from his eyes, but more kept pooling at the corners. He shut his eyes tight and hugged himself, trying to chase the cold away. And the sadness and disappointment. As his mind grew foggy with sleep, he remembered what Kuroo had said the last time they'd walked home together, more than three months ago.

" _I can't really leave Kenma alone, can I?"_

Apparently he could.

 **To be continued**

In Japan, the legal age for drinking is 20, so technically, Kuroo's still underage.

Welcome to my KuroKen angstfest. I'm having lots of super strong KuroKen feels lately and after making that post, this idea came to me and I just couldn't resist. I actually wanted to get it out for Kenma's birthday, but it was impossible. But I promise part two will be up for Kuroo's birthday next month.

This was really difficult to write because trying to make introspections into Kenma's growing feelings took me forever. Is he in character? Kenma's hard to write. What do you guys think? I also wasn't sure about how Akaashi calls Kenma, does anyone know? I know most call him "Kenma" or "Kenma-san", but Akaashi strikes me as the type to be last-name-basis strictly. Since Bokuto and Kuroo are pretty much bros, I can totally imagine Kenma and Akaashi getting along pretty well

Because I major in History, I had Kenma lowkey standing up for us in the non-STEM disciplines because fuck everyone who says nonSTEM stuff is easier.

Anyway, I hope you've liked it. I'm still slowly venturing into HQ! fanfiction, so please let me know what you think. All comments and feedback is appreciated and please look forward to part two!


	2. These Feelings that are Ours Only

**These feelings that are ours only**

Kenma was glad when their joint practice ended on Sunday. He could easily tell his sets and tosses had been terrible all day long. It was a miracle they even managed to score any points at all. They'd literally lost all of their games, and he knew it was completely his fault. He'd apologize to everyone tomorrow, when his head was a little clearer. His eyes still hurt from staying up so late last night and his stomach churned and twisted every time he remembered why he'd done it.

After last night's disappointment, he'd decided to leave his cellphone home. He was done with anxiously waiting for Kuroo to call him, and obsessively staring at his phone expecting to hear anything from his best friend. Or former best friend. He wasn't really sure of where they were standing now, nor did he want to think about it. And yet he'd still felt the wretched device buzzing in his pocket at least a dozen times today. That phantom cellphone syndrome was a detestable thing indeed.

"Oi, Kenma!" He turned around to see Shouyou waving at him, closely followed by Keiji, both of them already changed back into their regular clothes and carrying their equipment bags over their shoulders. "Did something happen? You were weird today."

"That's a rude way to say it." Keiji interjected.

"But it's true."

Kenma sighed. It was already bad enough that he felt so upset, but that everyone was noticing and asking him about it was really getting on his nerves.

"I think I'm catching a cold." He replied. It wasn't a full lie. He'd been sort of catching a cold for the past month or so, the virus never truly sinking in to incapacitate him, just bothering enough to keep him in a sort of permanent state of unhappiness.

"Ah, is that so? It doesn't really look like a cold, though." Shouyou continued, his big warm eyes round with curiosity.

"It looks like you're upset. Even more than the last time I asked." Keiji added. Just like last time, he looked concerned now too.

"Getting a cold is very upsetting." He answered, hoping to get the two off his case. He appreciated their concern, but he really just wanted to get back home. He'd been so absorbed waiting for Kuroo's call yesterday he had neglected the new videogame his mother got him as a present, and he wanted to get to it and the comfort his controller provided as soon as possible.

Akaashi shook his head. "I didn't want to pry, but did you have a fight with Kuroo-san?"

Kenma froze in his spot. "No. Not really." It wasn't really a lie. They hadn't had a 'fight' per sé. Kuroo had simply stopped calling. Vanished from Kenma's life without explanation. Completely forgotten about his mere existence, it would seem. His eyes stung a little.

"You're totally lying." Shouyou accused.

"I'm not." He protested. "We didn't fight. I haven't heard from him in months, but we didn't fight. And it's not something that would upset me anyway, he has his reasons." He declared, hoping that letting go of this little bit of truth would convince them. But for some reason, he couldn't stop talking now that he'd started letting it all out. "He's probably busy with school anyway, it's a normal thing. I knew things were going to change when he went to college, I'm actually relieved that he's finally given me some peace and quiet. Even though he promised he wouldn't leave me alone, but I guess college makes it hard to keep promises or remember someone's birthday even after twelve years." His throat felt constricted, and as the words kept spilling out, his chest seemed to grow tighter and tighter. "Like I said, it's not something that would upset me. I'm perfectly fine."

"Kenma, you're definitely not fine." Shouyou interrupted, taking a step further and grabbing his wrist.

"I said I'm fine, it's nothing!" he was getting angry now. He couldn't remember the last time he'd raised his voice, but this was reaching the limits of his patience.

"You're crying."

"Like I said, it's just a cold." He wiped his eyes and cheeks with his sleeves, frustrated at the sticky wet feeling. It was very unpleasant.

"It's definitely not a cold, Kozume-san."

"Have you tried calling him?"

He shook his head. He'd tried, once, but Kuroo hadn't even let him say a word before hanging up. And why should _he_ be calling? It was Kuroo who'd stood him up because he fell asleep, but later had been awake enough to go get drunk and make him a stupid call at three in the morning. It was Kuroo who'd stopped coming for practice, and calling, and sending texts, and visiting on Sundays. It was Kuroo who'd forgotten about his birthday. If Kuroo didn't care enough to try and reach out to him, why was he supposed to do it?

"We have to go now!" Hinata exclaimed energetically, pulling him by the sleeve towards the street.

He allowed himself to be dragged a couple meters before he looked up and realized what was happening. "Go? Where are we going?"

"To see Kuroo-san, obviously! You have to tell him that he's upsetting you!"

He planted his feet firmly on the ground and pulled back, trying to set himself free from Hinata's hold. "There's nothing to say." He objected. "Again, this is not bothering me at all." The sudden movement had made him stop crying. He wiped the last tears from his cheeks, but his eyes were still hurting.

"Stop lying, even you can't possibly believe that's true."

Kenma chewed on his lip. So maybe he was a little bit upset about this whole thing. Maybe he did feel lonely without Kuroo's constant presence. Maybe he missed Kuroo a little bit more than he wanted to admit. Maybe he was scared and worried that their friendship would just fade away as if it had never existed. And maybe he had felt betrayed and abandoned when he didn't even get a call for his birthday. But still, that was no reason to make this kind of fuss about it, besides…

"Don't you have to get back to your bus? They'll leave you behind."

Shouyou beamed, tugging at his wrist once more before he resumed running, and Kenma couldn't really resist the impetus of it all.

"No problem! I just texted Kageyama and told him to wait for me a little. Saeko-san is really cool, so I'm sure she won't mind."

"But… I don't even know where Kuroo lives."

He knew where his dorms were, but he had no clue of which building or room he was in.

"Don't worry about that. It just happens that Kuroo-san is Bokuto-san's neighbour." Keiji interjected as he trotted beside them.

"How do you know that?" Kuroo had never told him about it, and it seemed like important information. It was hard to fathom that Kuroo would just not tell him that he was now neighbours with one of his best friends. "Do you know where Bokuto's room is?"

Keiji nodded, his cheeks growing a little bit pink. "I have visited Bokuto-san a couple of times." He confessed as they somehow made it past the subway gates. The station officer yelled at them for running, and they loosened their pace.

Kenma thought briefly that there was something he should be inferring from Keiji's words, but he wasn't really sure of what that was. He was more preoccupied getting even more upset. He had already felt troubled and confused when he learned Bokuto was still in touch with his former teammates, but he also seemed to share a lot more information with them. He'd always thought Kuroo talked too much and sent too many messages, but had he been purposefully leaving things out? Kuroo had never even told him what his room number was or who were his neighbours, let alone invite him over. Up to now, he'd believed he and Kuroo were as close as two friends could get, but Bokuto and Keiji seemed to get along even more. Maybe the reason Kuroo had drifted away was because they'd never really been as close as he'd thought. Kenma wanted to wipe that thought away from his mind the moment it first appeared.

The train arrived and Shouyou pulled him inside. He was partly relieved that they'd stopped running, but he felt his stomach curling with anxiety. What would he even say to Kuroo? If he didn't want to be friends anymore, there was nothing he could really do. Wouldn't he look lame getting so worked up about this? What if Kuroo wasn't alone now? What if he was with his new friends or a girlfriend and Kenma made a fool of himself? Public humiliation terrified him. The only reason he'd actually entered the volleyball team was because Kuroo promised no one would laugh at him, and if someone did, he'd beat them up. Kenma didn't want Kuroo beating people up, but knowing Kuroo had his back as usual had always been comforting.

"C'mon, we're almost there!" Shouyou called, pulling his wrist once again before he could even object to it and dragging him out of the train. Keiji was trotting in front of them, leading the way. Kenma could see the dorm buildings the moment they stepped out of the station. They were tall and modern, probably very new. The university was a very expensive one after all.

The security guard asked them for University IDs at the front door. When they admitted they didn't have any, he said he couldn't let them in unless they had a scheduled visiting permission. Kenma felt partially relieved, he was getting more and more scared with every step that brought him closer to Kuroo. He'd rather keep wondering and worrying for months than being told upfront that Kuroo didn't want to be his friend anymore. And yet, his chest clenched with disappointment. For a brief moment, the thought of finally seeing Kuroo again had made him hopeful. Just like when he'd said he'd walk him home after school, or when he'd waited for him to call on his birthday. It was so frustrating that he couldn't even decide whether he wanted to see Kuroo or not. His friendship with Kuroo had never been this complicated.

He was about to turn to his friends and tell them they should head back when the security guard's eyes widened with recognition.

"Wait, hold on a second. You're Kenma-chan, right?"

Kenma's eyes went wide like saucers. He nodded, not sure if he should be afraid. Why did a complete stranger know him?

The guard smiled nicely. He seemed like a good person. "I thought you looked familiar. I can definitely make an exception for you, I think Kuroo-san is in his room now, it's number 317."

"I can show him the way." Keiji pointed out quietly.

"Sure, go on ahead. Just don't tell anyone that I let you through." He said with an apologetic smile

Kenma really wanted to ask why the security guard knew his name or how he even knew he was visiting Kuroo, but he didn't really know how to voice the thought.

Keiji lead them to the third floor, and Kenma's dread seemed to grow in the pit of his stomach with every step he took. And then they were standing in front of a white door with the number 317 and a plaque with Kuroo's name on it and another name Kenma didn't recognize. Kuroo had mentioned his roommate before, who was a third year, and they apparently got along pretty well, but that was all Kenma knew about him.

"Go ahead. No one will open the door if you don't knock first." Keiji prompted him.

His hand trembled. He didn't even know what he wanted to say, but since he'd come this far… he raised his fist and tapped on the door twice, a little bit too soft. Then he waited. The seconds ticked by and this all felt like a horrible _déjá vú_ from last night. What if Kuroo wasn't in his room? Should he knock again? Maybe he hadn't heard. He raised his fist again, hesitantly, but before he could hit the door again, he saw it open. But the person behind the door was not Kuroo.

"Yes?" the guy asked. He was tall, with long brown hair and a square face. He looked like a judoka or something of the sorts. Before Kenma could open his mouth to say something, recognition seemed to light up in the stranger's dark eyes and he grinned. "Ooooh! You must be _the_ Kenma! You're smaller than in the photos! I'm Yamazaki, it's nice to finally meet you!" the stranger shook his hand vigorously and Kenma didn't even know what to say. "Oi, Kuro-chan!" Kenma cringed at the nickname again. So the voice he'd heard the last time he'd tried to call Kuroo was this guy's. "You've got visitors!" Yamazaki called, a large grin on his face. "He'll be here in a minute, see ya!" he said turning to look at him. He waved and walked out of the room, jogging down the hallway.

Kenma followed him with his gaze and was about to turn and say something to Shouyou when he noticed neither he nor Keiji were there anymore.

* * *

"And that's why we brought Kozume-san here, but we didn't want to intrude on their conversation, so we left him at Kuroo-san's door. I'm sorry for coming in unannounced." Akaashi finished his explanation once they were seated around Bokuto's coffee table.

Bokuto beamed "Oh, don't mind, don't mind. I told you to come whenever you wanted!" Akaashi looked away, slightly embarrassed. Hopefully Hinata wouldn't ask many questions about this. Bokuto hummed "I see, so Kozume was upset because Kuroo didn't call him? You did the right thing bringing him here then."

Hinata cocked his head. "What do you mean?"

Bokuto crossed his arms over his chest and humphed. "That guy's been insufferable for months! Every time I see him it's 'I wanna see Kenma! I wanna talk to Kenma! I miss Kenma!' for hours! He's impossible for group assignments, he interrupts every five minutes to show everyone a picture of 'Kenma looking cute'. Even when I took him out for a party, he kept sulking about 'Kenma this, Kenma that'. I swear everyone in the building knows about 'Kenma', even the security guard and the cleaning staff. Kuroo wouldn't tell me why he wasn't visiting Kozume during his free time either and just kept sulking instead. I thought they'd had a fight."

Akaashi shook his head. "It appears that wasn't the case. Probably a misunderstanding of sorts."

"Let's hope they fix it then, Kuroo's not been a functional person for ages."

Akaashi smiled. "I'm sure they will."

* * *

Kenma heard footsteps coming from inside and a voice calling "Coming!" The sound of it rattled him to the core, and he couldn't really explain why, especially because he didn't even have time to think about it before Kuroo appeared on his doorstep, wearing his usual loose black t-shirt and red pants. Kuroo looked down and almost jumped out of his skin when his golden eyes met Kenma's.

"K-k-k-kenma? Wha… What're you doing here?"

Kenma wanted to say something, he didn't know what, just anything would do, but he couldn't. How long had it been since he'd last seen Kuroo? It felt like an eternity. The glint in his eyes, the curl of his lips, his ridiculously indomitable bed hair, the way he towered over him, everything felt so nostalgic. His heart was beating very hard and very fast and it was physically painful, but his chest felt warm and comfortable, as if he'd just found home after being lost for a very long time. He remembered getting lost very often when he was younger, especially when he'd just moved in to their neighborhood, and how Kuroo would always find him and bring him back home. His eyes were stinging again and his hands were shaking even more than before.

"Kuro…" he croaked out, although he couldn't even recognize his own voice. His cheeks felt wet again. Maybe this wasn't a cold after all.

Kuroo looked at him and he saw panic flash through his eyes. He kneeled so their eyes were at the same level. "Kenma? What's going on? Did something happen?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowed with worry. "Kenma, talk to me. Are you hurt?" he asked. "Come in, my roommate just left, we can talk inside." One of his hands found Kenma's and he pulled him in and guided him to the left side of the room, where a small TV, a coffee table and a couch for three people were set to make for a living space.

Once he was seated on the couch, Kuroo kneeled in front of him again and brushed his wet cheek with his thumb. "What's wrong, Kenma? I haven't seen you cry in years." He asked, his voice laced with deep concern.

Kenma didn't really know what to say. It was true, he'd never been a big crier to begin with. The last time he cried out loud was probably when he was 8 and his portable console fell into the river. Kuroo had jumped into the water to fish it out and Kenma had cried even harder, worried that Kuroo would be swept away by the current. He'd been about to run to find an adult and ask for help when Kuroo climbed out of the water, holding the ruined device in his hand, his hair and clothes soaking wet, and yet he'd been grinning with pride. He'd also caught a cold later, and Kenma's portable console and the videogame in it were ruined beyond repair, but he wasn't even that upset about it.

" _I can get new videogames, but I can't get a new Kuroo_." He'd said when Kuroo asked why he was so angry with him.

Kuroo had grinned and ruffled his hair. " _Ehhh? I'm flattered, but Kenma's really cute, you could get a new best friend really fast._ "

Kenma had punched him in the chest three times. He used to be a little more expressive about his feelings back then. " _I don't want a best friend that isn't Kuroo._ "

Kuroo had looked surprised. Kenma remembered he had blushed a little, probably from the fever, and grinned so wide Kenma wondered if his face wouldn't hurt.

After a couple of minutes of silence, Kuroo wiped the tears from his cheek once again, his touch was soft and gentle, as if he feared Kenma would break, and he sighed. "It's okay. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. But I'm here for you no matter what it is, okay?"

Kenma frowned. "Are you really?" he muttered, his voice dripping with spite.

Kuroo had clearly not seen that coming. He dropped his hand and backed off a little, looking as if he'd been slapped. "Where's that even coming from?" he asked, his face showed he was hurt by the insinuation.

Kenma didn't want to be the one bringing it all up. He wanted Kuroo to realize and apologize or even at least try to explain why he'd cut off all communications like that. He humphed softly in frustration and turned away, not wanting to see Kuroo's face and clenched his fists.

"Is this about that time I said I'd pick you up after practice and didn't show up? I'm really sorry about that, Kenma, I completely underestimated university, I never thought it would be so exhausting."

"You weren't exhausted to go partying afterwards." Kenma mumbled. His head was spinning, and maybe this was a cold after all because he felt horrible in every possible way. "You said you would make it up to me, months ago." He continued. He clenched his fists tighter. "And you haven't called me or texted me or anything since then either."

"Wait, Kenma, I…"

"When I called you, you hung up on me. You didn't come visit at all during summer break. Your mom says you visited her last week, but you didn't even tell me, are you avoiding me?"

"I-I thought you were mad at me." Kuroo excused himself.

"I _am_ mad at you." Kenma raised his voice again, and it wavered. "Why aren't you talking to me anymore?" he felt hot tears spilling from his eyes. "I was waiting… You didn't even call me yesterday."

"Yesterday?"

Had he really forgotten? Kenma bit his lip and grabbed the nearest cushion to throw it at Kuroo's stupid face. "It was… my birthday." He whispered, his voice cracking. He was trembling with anger and disappointment. He'd never had a real fight with Kuroo, just that one time when he'd jumped into the river. "You said… you promised you wouldn't leave me alone…" he couldn't even recognize his voice anymore. He tried to wipe the tears away, but more came spilling down his cheeks. He hid his face in his hands, angry at himself for getting so overridden with emotions. He hated this. He hated hurting like this and he hated that it was Kuroo's fault he was hurting. Kuroo was his safe place. Kuroo was never supposed to hurt him.

He heard Kuroo shuffling closer and felt his arms circling his shoulders, pulling him into a gentle, warm embrace "Oh god, Kenma I…" his head was very close to Kuroo's chest, he could hear his heart beating very fast. "I'm sorry. I miss you too, I didn't mean to make you feel lonely." His hands drew small, soothing circles over Kenma's back.

"Then why did you stop visiting? And calling? I haven't heard at all from you in months."

"I thought you were mad at me! I…"

"I wouldn't be mad if you had called."

"I just… I got so swamped by finals and when I was finally free a long time had passed and… after I called you from that party… I-I just didn't know how to talk to you after that."

Kenma pulled away from Kuroo's embrace and wiped his tears again, the flow finally slowing down. His hands naturally fell to lay flat on Kuroo's chest. He looked up to find Kuroo looked equal parts confused and scared.

"Why? I was upset that you called me at that hour and that you were out partying even though you said you fell asleep when you were supposed to walk me home after school. If you'd just called and apologized it would all have been fine." Truly, he had been quite upset, but he'd been ready to forgive Kuroo the moment he apologized. It was his continued silence and lack of communication that had driven him to this state of unhappiness.

"Eh? No but… I… I mean, after what I said…"

Kenma cocked his head in confusion. "What you said?"

Kuroo's cheeks were growing redder by the minute. Kenma didn't recall seeing him this troubled before. "I-I… I confessed my feelings for you when I was drunk… you sounded really angry when you hung up and I didn't know how to face you after that."

Kenma rubbed his eyes. He wasn't crying anymore, but they were puffy and stinging from all the tears he'd spilled. He recalled that Kuroo had said he was in love with him during that call, but he'd thought it was just drunken rambling and had brushed it off without even really processing the statement (except for how his heart had tightened a little, but that wasn't important).

"I thought you were speaking nonsense."

Kuroo looked hurt again. "I… I would never say such a thing if I didn't me—"

"You say it to Bokuto all the time." Kenma felt something very unpleasant rising in his stomach as he said that.

"I was going to say I would never say I loved _you_ if I didn't mean it. It's different! Saying I love Bokuto as my friend and saying I'm _in love_ with Kenma, it's completely different!"

Kenma's chest grew suddenly very warm. He looked up, and when his eyes met Kuroo's, his friend's face twisted in horror and he covered his face with his hands.

"Oh my god."

Kenma didn't understand.

"You… you thought I was joking when I called you, right?"

He nodded.

"So that means… that I just totally confessed my feelings for you." His voice was very quiet, muffled by his hands and he sounded mortified. "Oh god, Kenma, I'm so sorry."

A part of Kenma was kind of glad that Kuroo was finally apologizing after all he'd put him through, but he had the feeling that he wasn't apologizing for the right thing.

"What's this apology for?" he asked, just to be sure.

"For ruining our friendship by falling in love with you. Oh god, I said it again."

Yes, definitely the wrong reason.

"What do you mean? How's our friendship ruined?" Was it ruined? Fear started creeping up his spine again. If anything was ruining their friendship it was Kuroo's lack of communication for the past three months, but maybe it had been ruined from before and that's why Kuroo stopped calling. Kenma just didn't understand what this whole love and feelings conversation had to do with the ruin of their friendship.

"Isn't it obvious? It's gonna be awkward now. I worked so hard all these years in keeping my feelings secret so you wouldn't be uncomfortable about it and now I screwed it all up." He pulled at his hair in frustration, covering half of his face with his free hand, his one visible eye fixed on the ground.

"But why would it be awkward?"

Kuroo sighed, frustrated. Kenma could see his cheeks were still flushed red, almost as red as his pants, and the color seemed to be blooming on his nose, his neck and the tips of his ears too.

"Well, it's weird isn't it? Hanging out with a guy when you know he has those kinds of feelings for you."

"But you hang out with Bokuto all th—"

"I already said it's different!" Kuroo finally lifted his gaze from the floor to look into Kenma's eyes. He looked very distraught. It made Kenma upset to see that kind of expression on Kuroo. It didn't suit him at all. "My friendship with Bokuto and my feelings for Kenma are completely different. I-I want to do things with you… things that I'd never want to do with anyone else. Things you wouldn't like." His hands twitched. Kenma could tell he was growing very frustrated and distressed. Kenma had the vague feeling that it was his fault.

"What kind of things?" What could Kuroo possibly do to him that he wouldn't like? Forget about his birthday, for instance, but he couldn't think of many more.

Kuroo took a deep breath and closed his eyes, cupping his hands over his mouth and exhaling against them.

"Things like… touching your hair or… holding your hand and hugging you."

Kenma looked down at his hands and wiggled his fingers. "You already do all of those." He pointed out. "I don't dislike them." Just a few moments ago, Kuroo had held his hand to bring him inside, and he'd also hugged him when he'd cried. And when they were little, Kuroo would hold his hand when they walked back home. " _So I'll never lose Kenma_ ", he used to say.

"But I… I also want to… take you out on stupid dates, go see a movie or to the arcade and do cheesy stupid things and spoil you rotten and…"

"You already do all of those too." Kuroo wasn't making any sense. Why would Kenma dislike being spoiled and treated kindly by Kuroo? That's what they'd been doing for the last twelve years.

"I want to kiss you! I want to be your boyfriend. I want to… tell you how cute you are and how much I love you over and over. I want to… _touch_ you. I have many… impure thoughts about you." His whole face was bright red now. He hid it in his palms again. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be saying that. The whole point was not to make you feel uncomfortable about this. I'm really sorry."

Kenma's ears were burning. Boyfriend. He wasn't really sure of what that actually meant. Girls from his class would talk about the subject a lot, like it was a big deal. A boyfriend was someone who cared about you and bought you sweets. A boyfriend was someone very special, different from any of your friends. Someone who made you happy.

But Kuroo had always been all of that for him. Special, different. Ever since he first moved in to this neighborhood and changed schools when he was six and Kuroo had been the first and only one that spoke to him at school, even if they were in different years. Kuroo had always looked after him, walked with him back home, made sure he ate his lunch, and scared off any bullies that picked on him. That hadn't changed over the years. Even if Kuroo had often insisted that he should get more friends, he'd always thought he didn't need that as long as he had Kuroo. Things had always been normal, comfortable between them. Was their current relationship really that different from what Kuroo wanted? Most of the things he'd said, they'd been doing for years. And the ones they hadn't… Kenma wasn't sure, but he felt like he wouldn't mind those either.

His chest was growing warmer still. His cheeks felt hot too and his fingers tingled. Kuroo was slumped over in front of him, looking defeated and desperate. Ever since he'd arrived here, all of Kuroo's expressions had been of fear, sadness, pain and mortification. Was it his fault? He wanted the old Kuroo, the one with the nasty smirks and the overbearing confidence, the one that didn't think holding his hand or spoiling him was weird or unpleasant. He reached out to grasp Kuroo's hands and pull them away from his face. He squeezed Kuroo's fingers lightly. Holding hands was not uncomfortable or awkward.

"Being boyfriends…" he mused softly, and his heart hiccupped when he said the word. "Isn't that like… always being together and liking someone else's company and… knowing you can rely on them no matter what and… being happy with them and wanting them to be happy?" his thumbs glided absentmindedly over the back of Kuroo's hands.

"Kenma I… You're the most important person to me. And I want to… be the most important person to you."

"You've been that for a really long time." Kenma responded bluntly, then felt embarrassed by the boldness of it. He'd never really given it much thought, but the moment he said it he realized it wasn't a lie. Kuroo had always been different from everyone else. Kuroo understood him like no one else did. They didn't really need words to communicate their thoughts, although that didn't change how talkative Kuroo was. And things he wouldn't tolerate from others, like invasion of his personal space didn't bother him when it was Kuroo.

"K-k-kenma… You can't just say something like that, have some consideration for my frail heart!"

"I wouldn't say something like that if I didn't mean it." He retorted, slightly satisfied at being able to get back at Kuroo.

The ghost of a smile passed by Kuroo's lips briefly " _Touché._ "

His grip on Kuroo's hands tightened and he decided it would be fine to be bold for a little while longer. He looked up to meet Kuroo's eyes and leaned in, hesitating a little at first, to press his mouth to the corner of Kuroo's lips. "Even something like… kissing… it's not unpleasant." He said, averting his gaze. His lips were warm and buzzing, and he instinctively brought two fingers to touch his lower lip, trying to understand the sensation.

"I don't… I don't really understand a lot about… feelings. If I was asked whether I loved Kuro or not, I would say I do, but I'm not sure if it's the same kind of love you have for me. I know it's different than what I feel with everyone else. And when I think of holding hands, or hugging, or being spoiled or always being together or… kissing… it's not weird or uncomfortable." His fingers trembled a little, and he could feel Kuroo's hands were trembling too. "So stop using that as an excuse to walk away and leave me behind. That's way more unpleasant than anything else you mentioned."

Kuroo finally looked up at him, his golden eyes wide with surprise, and maybe a little bit of hope. "You know you don't have to force yourself to accommodate me, right?"

Kenma frowned. "Since you forgot about my birthday, you've probably forgotten about this too, but I'm not a kid anymore. I'm 18 years old. We are, in fact, of the same age now. Don't look down on me." This was fine. It made sense. For this one month, the one-year gap that separated him from Kuroo didn't exist.

"I didn't forget about your birthday. I could never do that! I just… I really thought you were angry with me and didn't dare call you. I was itching to do it all day long too. But I texted everyone to remind them about it, I thought you wouldn't feel lonely if everyone spoiled you in my stead."

Ah. That explained why everyone had suddenly remembered to text him in the middle of the night. Even Shouyou and Keiji, to whom he didn't recall ever mentioning his birthday.

"I wasn't lonely but… I was." He realized it didn't make much sense. Everything he'd been feeling since Kuroo disappeared was very confusing. "I was happy that everyone remembered but… the call I wanted to receive the most… I didn't receive it."

Kuroo bit his lip. Kenma saw some tears pooling at the corners of his eyes. "Kenma…" he whispered, his voice cracking, and a single tear slid down his cheek. Kenma leaned in closer and kissed it away. He was a little ashamed by how bold he was being today, but he couldn't deny the feeling was… nice. Warm. Kuroo blushed a darker shade of red and looked down, leaning his head against Kenma's chest, his arms encircling his waist. "I'm sorry, Kenma. I'm the one that caused all these misunderstandings and left you alone and you're the one that's comforting me." He sniffled. The tips of his unruly hair tickled Kenma's nose. It itched.

"It's okay." Kenma muttered, hesitantly wrapping his arms around Kuroo's shoulders. "You already apologized, so it's okay." He also wanted to say it was a little bit nice to be the one spoiling Kuroo for a change. "If we're going to be… boyfriends…" the word still rang strange in his voice, and his heart seemed to skip a beat every time he said it "then it's natural that… the comforting comes from both ways." And he didn't like to see Kuroo crying, so if there was anything he could do, he'd do it without question.

He felt Kuroo chuckle against his chest, and it made his body vibrate. "Heh… so I'm gonna get spoiled by Kenma? I could get used to that."

Kenma hummed. One of his hands found Kuroo's messy black hair and started twirling some dark thick locks in his fingers. "Just promise…"

"I won't leave you alone, ever. I promise. And I'll never break a promise with you again."

Kuroo's hair was soft. Most people assumed it was hard and sticky and that he kept it up with a crazy amount of products, but the truth was he had long given up on trying to control it. Kenma liked feeling it on his fingers.

"Okay. I'll believe that."

Kuroo pulled away just enough to look up and smile at him, wide and toothy. This was the Kuroo he liked, the Kuroo he'd missed, and his heart swelled when he saw that smile. Kuroo leaned in a little bit closer, their faces barely a breath away.

"Is it okay?" he whispered, his nose almost touching Kenma's. His golden eyes were shining with expectation. He lifted Kenma's chin with one finger, very gently.

Kenma nodded. Both of his hands were now deeply tangled in Kuroo's soft hair. He wasn't really sure of what to do next, but he kind of felt like he had to close his eyes. And the moment he did, Kuroo kissed him, quick, soft, almost too gentle. His heart skipped a beat. It was so fast he almost wondered if he hadn't imagined it. But he knew he hadn't, and somewhere deep inside he felt like he'd been waiting for this for a really long time. When he opened his eyes, Kuroo was looking at him, grinning. His cheeks were still flushed bright red. Red had always looked good on Kuroo.

"Kenma, let's move in together."

"Okay."

Kuroo blinked. "That was fast."

Kenma blinked. "I don't really need to think hard about it. But I can't do it until graduation. This place is too far from Nekoma."

Kuroo's grin didn't waver. "It's okay, I've waited all these years, I can wait a few more months."

"Years?" For how long had Kuroo loved him? And for how long had that love been this special, unique thing that was theirs alone? Had it always been like this? And why had it taken him so long to realize it?

Kuroo ruffled his hair, his eyes twinkling with mirth.

"I think I fell in love with Kenma that time you said you didn't want a best friend that wasn't me."

Kenma felt his lips curling upwards, oh so slightly. His fingers found Kuroo's and they laced into each other.

 **Epilogue**

The sky had turned a deep blood red color. They walked slowly, hand in hand. A part of Kuroo's brain was still not completely convinced that this was all real, but there was no way the warmth of Kenma's hand in his was just a product of his imagination. At least, he wanted to believe so.

"You know it'll take us like two hours to get home if we walk all the way." Kenma commented quietly.

"It's okay, I have time. This is how I make it up to you for the last time." He squeezed Kenma's small hand in his. "If you get tired, I'll carry you there." He chuckled.

He'd been the one who'd offered to walk Kenma home. Kenma had replied with a soft "Okay", but Kuroo knew him enough to notice he was actually very happy. This was like a dream. And not just any dream, but the best one ever. The kind of dream he never wanted to wake from.

"Kuro?" Kenma asked, squeezing his hand a little. Sometimes Kuroo thought it was unfair how cute he was.

"What's up?"

"Earlier you said… you mentioned you had… 'impure thoughts'… what exactly did you mean by that?"

Kuroo's blood went cold. Oh shit. This was the part in which Kenma realized that he was a disgusting pervert and ran away from him. Oh shit. He couldn't even lie because Kenma would know.

"W-well… you know… the regular kind of 'impure thoughts' that any healthy young man would have about the person they love…?" he replied with faux bravado, because in truth he felt very filthy whenever he caught himself thinking those kind of things about his cute little Kenma, whose hands were so tiny he could fit both of them in one of his.

"I'm not really sure of what is your definition of 'impure', but I don't believe I have those kind of thoughts about you. Is that strange?"

Kuroo wasn't sure if it should offend him that Kenma didn't have dirty thoughts about him, or if he should be amazed by how pure he was. Then again, Kenma had always been very cute and pure, so he shouldn't be surprised.

He shook his head and, noticing Kenma seemed genuinely concerned, smiled reassuringly. "It's not strange. We're just getting started right? Let's go one step at a time. I already promised not to leave you alone, that won't change even if you never want to do those things. I'm gonna treasure you properly, no matter what you decide."

Kenma smiled, his big beautiful eyes sparkling with relief. Kenma had never been very expressive, so Kuroo had had to learn how to read his emotions in Kenma's gorgeous golden eyes, which he'd always loved. And he was proud to know he was the only one that could do it. "Okay." Kenma replied simply, but his pace was lighter, more relaxed. Kenma looked adorable and truly happy, and that made Kuroo's heart swell.

"But, just so you know, if you ever allow me, I'm gonna eat you whole."

The light pink blush on Kenma's cheeks bloomed to a pretty scarlet, as if he'd finally understood what they were actually talking about. But when his lips parted, the only word that came out was "Okay".

Kuroo was so in love.

"Ah, we're here." Kenma said suddenly, stopping in his tracks. Kuroo stopped too and looked in front of him to see that, indeed, they'd arrived at Kenma's house.

"Woah, those have got to be the shortest two hours of my life." He realized the sky was dark blue now, the night sprinkled with a handful of stars and a visible crescent moon.

"Yes, they were short indeed." Kenma replied, and he sounded disappointed. Kuroo wanted to crush him in his arms. Kenma made him want strange things.

"Hey, wanna walk a little bit further? In two more hours we could be at Ikebukuro." He asked, not sure if he was really joking.

"Some other time. You need to sleep properly."

Being spoiled by Kenma and having Kenma concerned about his well-being was quickly becoming one of his top-five favorite things ever

"Yessir!"

Kenma chuckled again. The sound of Kenma's laughter had been one of his top-five favorite things ever for a really long time.

"Thank you. For walking with me all the way."

"Aahh, that was my pleasure." He half-assed a theatrical reverence and brought Kenma's hand to his lips.

Kenma took a step forward towards him and cupped one of his cheeks with his free hand, then stood on his tiptoes to kiss him softly on the mouth. It was sweet and tender, yet Kuroo could feel every fiber of his being burning. He'd always imagined Kenma's lips would be soft and sweet, but none of his dreams could measure to how this kiss actually felt like. This was better, so much better than anything he'd ever dreamed of. It was, in fact, perfect, and he would've rather lost his breath than let go. His free hand found Kenma's hip and he drew circles with his thumb over the fabric of his shirt. He felt Kenma shudder under his touch, pulling him closer, squeezing the hand he was holding. Kenma gasped, his lips parting slightly, his tongue poking out. Kuroo mimicked the action and pulled Kenma's tongue into his mouth. He was feeling light-headed, and his body tingled. Kuroo felt he could've stayed like this forever, and he wanted to.

The buzz of Kuroo's phone interrupted them, and he grew self-conscious about where they were. If Kenma's mother had suddenly decided to go out to take the trash, she would've seen them shamelessly making out a few steps from the front door. Coincidentally, the call was actually coming from Kenma's cellphone. He looked up at Kenma and showed him his name on the screen, confused. His eyes widened in realization.

"Ah, I left my phone at home and couldn't tell my parents that I would be late."

Kuroo frowned and gave Kenma the phone. He answered and told his mother that he was just outside the door quickly before hanging up.

"I'm sorry about that."

"It's OK. Just don't make your Mom worry, or she'll think I'm corrupting you."

Kenma quirked one eyebrow, the glint in his eyes spoke of amusement. "You just promised to devour me an hour ago and now you're worried about corrupting me?"

Kuroo choked on his own spit. Kenma chuckled, clearly thrilled about pushing his buttons. He coughed to clear his throat and looked away, awfully embarrassed by the sudden twist of the conversation.

"A-anyway, it's cold outside, you should get in before you get sick."

"Okay."

"And also… I realize this may be a little bit late but…" he leaned down quickly to peck Kenma's mouth. "Happy birthday, Kenma. Promise I'll take you on a proper cheesy date next weekend."

"Okay." Kenma nodded, "I'll look forward to it." His discreet smile grew to a full blown grin, one Kuroo hadn't seen many times in his life, the corners of his golden eyes softening with mirth. The smile made his face glow beautifully. He wanted to stare at that expression forever. Now how was he supposed to let go of Kenma's hand?

"Good night, Kuro."

Kuroo squeezed that small hand in his one last time.

"Sweet dreams, Kenma."

Reluctantly, he released Kenma's hand from his grasp and immediately missed its warmth. But he'd have more opportunities from now on. Many, many more opportunities. To hold his hand, and hug him, and kiss him and make him smile. To show him how much he loved him.

Once Kenma was back inside the house, Kuroo finally turned around to leave. As he walked away, he tapped a quick text on his phone and sent it to Kenma:

" _I love you_ ".

He didn't really expect a reply, and was surprised to receive one merely seconds later:

" _Me too."_

It was all Kuroo could do to not go back to Kenma's home and steal him away already; waiting for graduation be damned.

* * *

 **BONUS:**

"Oi, Kenma, when are you going to say it?"

Kenma looked up at him, blinking slowly. "Say what?"

Kuroo leaned down and rested his chin on Kenma's shoulder "That you love me."

Kenma blew a cold breath at him from the corner of his mouth. "I say it all the time." He replied, completely unfazed.

Kuroo rubbed his eye. "No you don't! I'm always the one saying I love you; you always say 'me too'."

Kenma wasn't looking at him, his eyes fixed on his console, but by his rapid blinking, Kuroo could tell he thought he was being really stupid about this. Kuroo knew he was, but he wanted to be spoiled by Kenma today.

"I said it when I went to your dorm the first time."

"You totally di—"

" _If I was asked whether I loved Kuro or not, I would say I do."_

Okay. Maybe he had. Kuroo's heart hiccupped.

"O-okay, but I wasn't ready! You said it like it was nothing, I couldn't even savor it!"

He was totally being an idiot about this.

Kenma paused his game. He wasn't doing too great, Kuroo noticed. He pulled away, so Kuroo's head was no longer leaning on him, then turned to look at him, his large golden eyes blinking slowly two times and staring intently at his.

"I love you, Kuro."

Ah. So that's what an arrow through your heart felt like. Truly impressive.

"Y-y'know what, it's better if you don't say it too often. I don't wanna die young."

 **The end.**

Kuroo is absolutely irredeemable trash. He's also an idiot. And he's a huge Kenma otaku. If Kuroo were a real person, he would buy ALL the Kenma merch. ALL OF IT. Every single unit of every single product. He'd be one of those crazy otakus that make shrines for their favorite characters and he'd do it for Kenma. I just really like the idea of Kuroo being overprotective of Kenma and very clingy and like everything Kenma does is super cute and amazing to him. RIP Kuroo Tetsurou

Also, he did tell Kenma that Brokuto was his neighbour, somewhere among those millions of texts Kenma never read. Writing Kenma was super tough, I really hope I could make his realization of his feelings believable. Of course it's not a fic by me if it doesn't have at least three crying scenes.

Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed this little story. I'm off by three-ish days for Kuroo's birthday, but I hope everyone liked this. Please let me know your thoughts and thanks a lot for reading this super long thing.


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